weh

my doctor called me on Thursday with the results of my ultrasound, and I have an "enormous" gallstone and some sludge in my gallbladder as well. I happy cried, because finally we have facts, answers, and a clear way to fix this issue that has been bothering me for basically years.

I go in to meet the surgeon Monday afternoon, I assume to like, go over what needs to happen and how and whats expected of them and me--and to schedule the actual surgery I hope.

I just really hope that I can get into surgery before christmas, mostly just because I don't want to have to wait for the new year to be able to eat again.


it's still really weird, cause my doctor is still like "stay hydrated, food isn't important" and basically I'm barely eating and thats a...good thing?

as someone whose had a very volatile relationship with my body image and food for years, this is hard to accept. I've had to force myself to eat before, because often I just stop feeling hungry. so like, this feels too easy to do--barely eating. but its fine right now, its fine...

just gotta remember to eat again once I'm allowed to eat again...

eating is good, eating is important, just not right now.

I didn't think that this whole gallbladder issue would cause so much emotional and mental issues as it has.

maybe its because I can't eat anything that I want, or what I'm used to, I don't know. I've been craving a Wendy's burger and Frosty for over a week, and all I can have is whole wheat, non-fat, boring foods. well, I do like what I'm eating, but I'm so bored of it. I want flavor, I want meat and grease and sugar.

so maybe its that I am getting no enjoyment from my foods that started me on this spiral, or maybe just continuously feeling sick no matter if I do or don't eat for weeks is finally wearing me down.

last night I couldn't sleep because my stomach pains--not even pains, it just felt wrong and off and it kept me up till around 6 or 7am. I had a friend's baby shower at 10am, and I slept through all my alarms and through the entire shower itself.

I hated myself so much. especially since it wasn't even something I could really control, and somehow that makes it worse.

I feel so hopeless, so worthless, so fucking useless I can't seem to be able to do anything. I just keep getting sick.

there is a light at the end though, I know this, but it just keeps getting harder and harder to fight against this. tuesday I have an ultrasound to see if surgery will help, and god I hope it does and god I hope they do it soon. I want to be able to live again, or any semblance of living that I used to have.

heck, maybe I'll even be better than before the whole issue became worse like this.

but, even though that's just like a day away (by the time of me writing this) it still feels so far. because heck, even if I do need surgery, I have to wait for that before anything really changes. tuesday is just the next step to getting better.

I'm just so tired.

I want to ask for help, even though I have no idea how anyone could help. I just feel like I need to be held, held together so I don't shatter from this weight on me. but I can't ask for that, because looking at this all rationally I shouldn't even feel this broken. what weight? its just a gallbladder issue, its just having to stay away from fat in foods for a while, nothing to get depressed about.

but I am. my depression has hit me hard, all I really did today was cry and lay in bed.

people always talk about the light at the end of the tunnel, how it helps people still going. but how come they never really talk about how crushing the dark tunnel is, even with that tiny light? sometimes even with the end in sight, it gets hard to keep going, to keep fighting.

I know I'll survive, but it just hurts and I don't know how to make it better.