[sticky entry] Sticky: intro

Dec. 6th, 2018 12:44 am
lakenzie: by me (spheal)
Hello!

I'm another person trying to escape Tumblr in case it just completely explodes. (More for the site breaking issues happening around this purge than the purge itself.)

This will be my little introduction entry and basic info about myself!

name kenzie
age 25
gender cis girl
sexuality bisexual

hobbies video games, art, fiber crafts, reading, writing, fashion (the more fantasy the better)
current fandoms world of warcraft, dungeons & dragons, Mcelroy content, pokemon, elder scrolls, legend of zelda (sidlink anyone?), achievement hunter, game grumps, drawfee, she-ra 2018, furistas cat cafe phone game, and many other dormant ones--I'll update this as time goes on!

also, do cats count as a fandom? because I love cats (and dogs too!!).

it's been a long time since I've used a true blogging website like this (like many others, I was on LJ before the strikethrough) and even then (and on tumblr) I've generally been more of a lurker than a real content creator. I am an artist, but I usually post my work more on my twitter than anywhere--and I probably won't be posting much of that here either.

but, maybe this change will be good for me.

I think I'm going to use this place to talk more, about myself, my experiences, and my general thoughts about things. For example, I could talk about my current knitting or art project, or how my current health is going (physically and mentally), trying to deal with my add/adhd and talking about my experiences with it as an adult, or even just fandom thought dumps. I do write fanfic sometimes, not often, and I'll post that here as well when it happens.

I do have a degree in english, but make no mistake that that means I'll always write well and coherently.

where to find me elsewhere
[tumblr.com profile] lakenzie
[twitter.com profile] lilkenzoo
lakenzie: (art)
my doctor called me on Thursday with the results of my ultrasound, and I have an "enormous" gallstone and some sludge in my gallbladder as well. I happy cried, because finally we have facts, answers, and a clear way to fix this issue that has been bothering me for basically years.

I go in to meet the surgeon Monday afternoon, I assume to like, go over what needs to happen and how and whats expected of them and me--and to schedule the actual surgery I hope.

I just really hope that I can get into surgery before christmas, mostly just because I don't want to have to wait for the new year to be able to eat again.


it's still really weird, cause my doctor is still like "stay hydrated, food isn't important" and basically I'm barely eating and thats a...good thing?

as someone whose had a very volatile relationship with my body image and food for years, this is hard to accept. I've had to force myself to eat before, because often I just stop feeling hungry. so like, this feels too easy to do--barely eating. but its fine right now, its fine...

just gotta remember to eat again once I'm allowed to eat again...

eating is good, eating is important, just not right now.
lakenzie: (art)
had my ultrasound today, to check to see if I need surgery for my gallbladder.

the person who took the pictures, they probably have a specific name but I'm too lazy to look, said they "just take the pictures, don't read them." so they couldn't tell me if there was something there or not.

I bet they have to say that, in case they say something wrong and patient can sue the hospital, even though they aren't doctors or something. that seems like something a hospital would do, which makes sense.

but with enough experience of taking the pictures, and knowing if you took good pictures or not, they would probably learn a thing or two if there was something to read or not.

I just want this thing over with, I want answers and I want it fixed.

basically everything I eat makes me feel unwell, even if its on the approved foods list for my diet. (aka, nothing with fat) so like, what even is the fucking point.

I'm tempted to just eat what I want, because not like it makes much of a difference. though, the thought of having another "attack" or whatever those pains were is not something I want to feel again. picture extreme pain, cramping, around the stomach area that is almost like nausea but vomiting doesn't happen or help. heat sometimes helps, or at least temporarily does, so you're sitting in a hot shower just sobbing from the pain. that was me about two weeks ago, the whole reason I'm even getting this all checked out.

its kind of funny, if I didn't have that really bad attack, me and my doctor would still just be thinking that my issues are all caused by my IBS. but now, its all very likely that a lot of my previous assumed IBS issues are actually my gallbladder. at least, I'm hoping they are. it would be really really shitty if my gallbladder is perfectly fine, because then the doctors would have no idea why eating hurts or I have those attacks.

god I would just want to kill myself if that ended up being the case.


anyway, the say I should get the results in a few days. hopefully with the fact that its still early in the week I'll have the results by the weekend.

though, because of the upcoming holidays, who knows when I'd even be able to get in for surgery. worst holiday season I think, even compared to the christmas where I puked for 16 hours straight. anyone else get sick during the holidays or am I just consistently broken?
lakenzie: (art)
I didn't think that this whole gallbladder issue would cause so much emotional and mental issues as it has.

maybe its because I can't eat anything that I want, or what I'm used to, I don't know. I've been craving a Wendy's burger and Frosty for over a week, and all I can have is whole wheat, non-fat, boring foods. well, I do like what I'm eating, but I'm so bored of it. I want flavor, I want meat and grease and sugar.

so maybe its that I am getting no enjoyment from my foods that started me on this spiral, or maybe just continuously feeling sick no matter if I do or don't eat for weeks is finally wearing me down.

last night I couldn't sleep because my stomach pains--not even pains, it just felt wrong and off and it kept me up till around 6 or 7am. I had a friend's baby shower at 10am, and I slept through all my alarms and through the entire shower itself.

I hated myself so much. especially since it wasn't even something I could really control, and somehow that makes it worse.

I feel so hopeless, so worthless, so fucking useless I can't seem to be able to do anything. I just keep getting sick.

there is a light at the end though, I know this, but it just keeps getting harder and harder to fight against this. tuesday I have an ultrasound to see if surgery will help, and god I hope it does and god I hope they do it soon. I want to be able to live again, or any semblance of living that I used to have.

heck, maybe I'll even be better than before the whole issue became worse like this.

but, even though that's just like a day away (by the time of me writing this) it still feels so far. because heck, even if I do need surgery, I have to wait for that before anything really changes. tuesday is just the next step to getting better.

I'm just so tired.

I want to ask for help, even though I have no idea how anyone could help. I just feel like I need to be held, held together so I don't shatter from this weight on me. but I can't ask for that, because looking at this all rationally I shouldn't even feel this broken. what weight? its just a gallbladder issue, its just having to stay away from fat in foods for a while, nothing to get depressed about.

but I am. my depression has hit me hard, all I really did today was cry and lay in bed.

people always talk about the light at the end of the tunnel, how it helps people still going. but how come they never really talk about how crushing the dark tunnel is, even with that tiny light? sometimes even with the end in sight, it gets hard to keep going, to keep fighting.

I know I'll survive, but it just hurts and I don't know how to make it better.
lakenzie: (zelda)
I'm going to trying to do this claim table from [community profile] 100prompts !


Going to be doing it for Legend of Zelda Breath of the Wild fanfics, I'll be tagging both the table and fandom for those posts.

001.Lively 002.Remorseful 003.Dismiss 004.Heavy 005.Forward
006.Prowl 007.Cut 008.Compromise 009.Impulse 010.Hush
011.Morals 012.Engage 013.Voice 014.Awkward 015.Lower
016.Plead 017.Caring 018.Believe 019.Found 020.Shield
021.Open 022.Tactile 023.Journey 024.Scowl 025.Hero
026.Writer's Choice 027.Writer's Choice 028.Writer's Choice 029.Writer's Choice 030.Writer's Choice

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